Be more confident.
For so many of us in the working world, this advice can feel like an elusive task. Gender only makes confidence more complex. Men are inspired to follow the bravado of sports, military, and celebrity business leaders, with expectations they be authoritative, firm, and outspoken at work . For women, inspiration comes in the form of reprimand, with messages like Close your confidence gap, Break the habits that hold you back, Stop apologizing, Lean in, Lean out, and Own it. When women take command, use their voice and have ambition , they are simultaneously punished , for violating other societal expectations to be soft, flexible, and reserved . For men, be confident means man-up, and for women…well, we haven’t quite made up our minds, but either way, please go fix yourself!
When it comes to be more confident, perhaps we’re chasing the wrong problem.
At the heart of confidence is a feeling of self-assurance that arises from an appreciation of one’s own abilities or qualities . Confidence isn’t a fixed set of traits to embody, rather it’s a by-product of something internal and true. And when we try to act in a way that’s not aligned with our values, strengths, and preferences, it takes a lot of energy, can come across fake, not to mention it just feels yucky.
Be more confident emerges easily in a work culture that welcomes different confidence archetypes and allows employees to bring their authentic selves to get the job done. While we may not get to choose our work culture, we can choose how we want to be more confident. We can focus on the means that bring about our feelings of self-assurance, rather than force ourselves to be something we’re not. Here are five things you can do to create this flow in your work:
Find confidence anchors. Take stock of what you have that can help you generate feelings of self-assurance. Capture these resources in a confidence journal that you can refer back to in times of self-doubt:
- Get clear on your strengths, natural style, and preferences. There are many ways to gather this list. Try reflecting on a time you felt at your best being you: What was I thinking and doing? What skills and talents did I use? What came easy to me? How did I show up? What was my impact? Ask a trusted friend or colleague what style or traits they appreciate in you.
- Curate relationships with people who boost your confidence, consider: Who do I have chemistry with? Who’s got my back and I’ve got theirs? What are their strengths? Who can I help? Who can I tap into more? Expand your network by inviting new conversations—try exploring a shared goal together. Weed out the confidence-drainers, minimizing conversations with them to only what’s business essential.
Investigate new inspiration. In the work setting, confidence examples often represent an extrovert stereotype that may not be true for you. Look outside work for inspiration and role models:
- Search for people who connect to your values, personality, and preferences. Explore examples globally, like the Dalai Lama or former New Zealand Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern, as well as examples close to home, like a community leader or friend.
- Diagnose what made these people successful, such as: What values does this person live and work by? How does confidence show up in them? What was their journey in becoming confident? What lessons do their practices, approach or attitude inspire in me? Jot ideas in your confidence journal.
- Craft a confident you. Envision what a confident you is saying, doing, and feeling. Imagine how a cherished colleague or family member might describe you in the future. In your confidence journal, construct a profile of the best version of yourself.
Drop the labels. Western culture is notorious for classifying those who don’t fit the norm, and for women, assigning syndromes. Labels conveniently blame the person, not any inadequate or outdated systems or relational dynamics. When you label yourself, you give life to un-useful narratives:
- Consider what message a label might convey about you. For instance, psychologists in the 1970s introduced imposter syndrome to explain women’s struggles in an all-male workplace. Rather than address how a traditional workplace was making women feel unwelcome, the imposter syndrome label told women they didn’t fit in because they doubted their competence and right to be there.
- Avoid using labels, syndromes or other deficits to describe yourself, either with others or in your own self-talk. If you need to discuss an issue, use objective, non-judgmental descriptors and focus on the context rather than yourself. If a mentor asks how the new promotion is going, rather than say, I feel like an imposter, elevate your talk: Of course, new requirements and a new set of colleagues can feel awkward at first. It’s going to be exciting to see how my unique set of skills can be used to make an impact. Do you have any suggestions for me?
Filter the unhelpful. When getting feedback or direction from others, pause before interpreting it as something wrong with you. Listen for mixed messages and assumptions in work culture. Be deliberate in what part of the feedback you want to act on, if at all. Bring colleagues in to expand perspective and help with solutions:
- You might hear from your boss, You were too passive today in the project team meeting—we need to drive accountability with the team and get things done. Then, ask yourself, What goals needed to be achieved? What happened? What was going on around me that influenced my choice of actions? What’s different from how people typically approach things like this here?
- Explore contradictions by exchanging facts not accusations, for instance, you might say back to your boss, We’re not getting project support, but I’m reluctant to be more assertive, since you’ve said to “play nice” with the team members. How could you and I do some behind-the-scenes stakeholder management in advance, so project efforts are more productive?
Pick one thing. Everyone has development needs, but development shouldn’t be all-consuming. Convert generic or abstract aspirations into key behaviors. Then, prioritize one behavior that will make a noticeable difference. Frame it in a specific, action-oriented, and non-punitive way:
- Rather than don’t be shy, how about make sure everyone in the conference room can hear my voice when speaking.
- Brainstorm with a trusted mentor or friend for ideas.
- After you’ve made progress on one behavior, try out a few more. Build competency over time.
Change the confidence conversation. Confidence can show up in more ways than on a stage. Connect your style to business impact and help the organization realize different ways to achieve success:
- In a development conversation with a mentor or boss, you might say, Could we explore how my quiet confidence, too, offers a good way to lead? With the latest market disruptions, the team said they appreciate my low-key, thoughtful approach during meetings. How might I leverage this more?
- Find comfortable venues where you can demonstrate how alternative styles can be effective in getting results, such as with small groups or in one-on-one conversations. To keep it authentic, focus on how your experience might help them: I took a different approach to driving accountability with this high-stakes initiative and learned some key lessons you might find helpful when facing similar challenges here in this project. Find opportunities to highlight colleagues’ successes, too, such as at a staff meeting, I want to acknowledge Jamey’s creative leadership. Her no-drama approach helped resolve significant conflict between two senior stakeholders.
- Amplify your style, rather than apologize for it. Remind yourself that so many others struggle with confidence, too. See yourself as a role model helping to create new confidence norms in the organization.
Feeling self-assured happens when we’ve let go of self-conscious, self-absorbed thoughts. As Yoda famously advises, there is no try, only do. Embrace “you” and help others see there are many ways to make a difference in our work.
